sleepless
by RinaHatakeda
Summary: Edward POV - takes place during the first book - It was one of the most wonderful nights in my whole life. Sleepless like most of them but different in so many ways. I was completely and utterly happy in a way I never knew before.


**sleepless**

It was a weird feeling to hold the sleeping Bella in my arms. Weird and yet unbelievable good. I hummed the tune of a lullaby that had come to my mind just like that in this peaceful moment and yet it sounded awfully familiar. Just like it was new and so familiar to hold Bella.

Her sleeping face was blank of any expression and then again it seemed to be painted with deep lines of comfort. I couldn't stop looking at her. The way she was breathing not even aware of this act or how her heart was beating in a slow rhythm of life, barely visible at her neck. Every pulse a sign of new life and she wasn't even aware of it. It was quite a surprise that this moment didn't send me running away from her. I was still not bothered by the temptation her blood was to me. For this moment I didn't have to fight for composure but could just enjoy the sight of her face.

I was wishing for one thing only. To be able to sleep next to her. I wanted to sleep ever since I'd become a vampire but tonight the wish was unbearably strong. I wondered what kind of feeling it must be to sleep next to her, dream next to her and wake up to the sight of her face. But it was a feeling that would be denied from me for the rest of my life – which was clearly frustrating – but then again I was lucky not to need rest like humans did 'cause now I was able to watch my Bella for all the nights to come. And though I still longed for sleep I couldn't deny what gift it was to watch her. And yet once I started thinking about her heartbeat the thought was taking me over slowly. I wasn't as sensitive to her smell as I used to be, the day at the meadow helping me a big deal, but yet I was afraid I couldn't control myself if I stayed to long. I didn't want to risk anything. When I was with her like this not only did she forget what kind of danger I was to her, but I liked to ignore it myself and it was scary how easily I could forget the monster I was.

Alone in the darkness of her room while she was sleeping and Charlie's snoring told me that he wouldn't notice a thing either. So ridiculously easy to snap her neck and take a sip from her sweet delicious blood. Not a scream would break the silence of the night.

I tried to forbid such thoughts but they came fast now while her scent was lulling me in, begging me to taste her. Carefully and not too rushed I put her on the bed and wrapped her into her blanket. It was best not to tempt my restraint any longer.

But I couldn't turn away completely. Not now. I leaned against the wall facing her bed and kept watching her. Her eyebrows drawn together almost as if she was mad at me for leaving her side. I felt the hint of a smile at my lips. I had never seen her like this.

In my head I was going back to our conversation of the day. Of course I noticed her attempt to stay within the borders of whatever rules she thought applied to us. With an amused chuckle I remembered her attack on me when I tried to kiss her. The whole day had something that pulled me more and more towards this girl. And not only this day. Being honest I had to admit that every second had this effect on me. Bella was fascinating me. It was so foolish of me to put her into this danger. Just going out with me to the meadow could mean her death sentence. But being with her, being able to talk to her about anything was so incredibly good. And then again it was scary how she reacted towards me even though she knew so much more than the pupils who tried to stay out of my way on instinct. For her safety I shouldn't allow days like this, I should walk away and never return. But I simply couldn't do that. She was pulling me in. It was like she had been the one thing I had been missing for all my life and now that I had her I wouldn't leave her. It wasn't just per blood calling to me – it was her soul embracing me.

I wondered if she understood that when I tried to explain it to her. I wasn't sure. Maybe I should have been clearer with my words but that wasn't as easy as it sounded. I was hesitant to use the word love for this concept. This simple word just couldn't measure up to all my weird feelings – with all the negative circumstances mixed into that yet weren't enough to keep me away from her or bring this to a bad end. Even saying that she was the most important thing in my life didn't seem to be enough. She was my life. Maybe it had been fate bringing Carlisle into my life, turning me into this so I could meet her now in a time where I was supposed to be already dead.

And it was this train of thought that kept me from giving in to the voice that asked for her blood. The day that was just coming to an end proved that I was doing the right thing when I resisted the temptation. The mental image of her and how her eyes began to shine when she was walking toward the wildflowers hesitantly and liltingly at the same time. Her hair glowing with a fine hint of red mixed into the brown. So many wonderful little details: Her cheeks flushed red, her eyes bright chocolate brown shining with pure happiness, the delicate sweet smile on rose lips that didn't seem to waver at all, the joy that was brought to live inside of her at the sight of the sun. There were thousand things more. How was I ever supposed to give up any of these for my thirst? How did I ever think it was even possible to be so cruel? I couldn't understand it now. Just the thought of her company was bringing a smile on my face. If I still had a beating heart it would go crazy like hers did so often when I was around. The memory of her soft warm fingers drawing patterns on my skin seemed like the most precious gift to me. Everything else she granted me on top of that without being scared was just adding to this gift.

"No!" I looked up to the bed in shock. Bella was lying on her stomach, her hands clutched into the pillow. It took me several seconds until I realized that she was still asleep. Her face looked distressed. She was probably dreaming of her mother again and everything she left behind in Phoenix. I remembered the last time she looked like this in her sleep and the name of her mother coming from her lips.

"No!" Her grip around the pillow got firmer. Her face didn't look distressed anymore but tormented. "Edward!" It was the way she said the word that washed away the last pieces of memory. I was at her side right away. It was stupid – as if I could take away the pain of a dream.

"Edward!" The name was just one cry of desperate sorrow. Like a cry for help before drowning – completely invalidated and yet filled with the desperate wish of staying alive.

"Shht, Bella, shht." I tried to calm her down but it was in vain. Her nightmare was still holding her captured into the deep dark of unconsciousness.

"Please Edward!" The pain mirrored on her face was unbearable. „Don't leave me!" It was just a silent whisper drowned out as if she was crying. I forgot to breathe for a moment, while I was watching her closely. Her skin was pale white stretched over her knuckles while she was holding onto the pillow for dear life. Just a look at her face was paining me in a way I never thought was even possible.

"Bella…" I hesitated before I put my hand against her cheek. I was surprised to see that she wasn't moving away from the cold of my touch but leaned into it even more. "I am here with you. And I won't leave you. Everything is alright." I tried to keep my voice calm and reassuring. Her expression softened slowly. I sighed a breath of relief when peace returned to her features. It took me a very long time to convince myself that it was okay to remove my hand from her cheek. Her touch was too pleasant. Her skin so soft and warm. But I didn't want to disturb her sleep. Still I didn't dare to move away from her bed. I didn't want to cause another nightmare with my absence. She seemed to be alright again. No trace of the former bad dream hunting her face now. She was pretty the way she was lying there, although she probably wouldn't believe me if I told her. It was difficult making compliments to Bella. I could tell her that she looked beautiful in blue but when I tried to explain to her why she was so much more beautiful than Rosalie or any other girl she looked at me as if I was lying straight to her face.

I risked another glace. For a second she wrinkled her nose and then she turned to lie on her back again. "Bella?" I looked at her confused. „Everything is so terribly green." I had to chuckle at that response. Obviously she was still sleeping. When I managed to stifle my laughter the room fell silent. Her monologue for this night seemed to be over. I kept following my thoughts silently. It seemed rather childish to me but there was one thing I just couldn't change no matter how hard I was trying: My thoughts always revolved around Bella. It was driving me crazy. I was living this life for so long and there had been women all the time being interested but I simply didn't care – I actually would have been happier if they hadn't shown any interest at all. But with Bella everything was upside down. When I just started thinking about all the boys being into her in their heads, or Newton who didn't even try to hide it in his mind but showed it quite openly, I wanted to snap. I've never been so selfish. But I wanted Bella all for myself. It was foolish – I wasn't good for her the way I always had to control myself around her to not kill, I even had to control myself when I was just reaching for her fragile little hand because if I made one wrong move I could break every bone in it easily. And yet I didn't want to stay away from her. I couldn't bear the though to see her in another guys arms. I wanted Bella Swan for myself – no matter how stupid or dangerous this desire was I couldn't fight it. And because it was this way I was relieved that she wanted me too – even though that probably should worry me because I was dooming her delicate soul and she would let me drag her into my misery without resistance.

"Edward…" I looked up thinking she was finally awake. But she was still sleeping. A carefree smile on her lips. Traces of this smile were visible all over her face. And even though her eyes were closed her face seemed to be shining with the happiness I had seen in them before. I couldn't help but return the smile. "Edward…" Coming from her lips my name sounded so much sweeter than I remembered it.

Well I had been wrong about her monologue then. She turned around trying to find the perfect rest and I nearly didn't catch the sweet whisper that was so quiet human ears wouldn't have caught it. "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb." A sweet sigh came from her throat. I had to check her twice to be sure she was still sleeping. It wasn't hard to guess what she was dreaming about this time. Oh how I would have loved to spend the day with her in Morpheus' world build out of dreams. But I was left outside only able to watch her and how perfectly happy she was in this dream. "Lion and lamb" she whispered again.

I was outright upset not to be able to at least see her mind the way I could with everyone else, just so I could share a little bit more of her life. Why did I get this gift if I couldn't use it for the one person I really cared for? The one person who's thoughts meant everything to me? I knew she was happier this way and that she was embarrassed about her thoughts more than just often when she blushed and decided not to answer one of my questions. But I really wanted to know. I wanted to know everything about her.

"Edward Cullen." The devotion with which she said my name seemed so unfit to me – at least for the name of a vampire. "I love you." The words were nothing but a breeze inside my ear and yet I caught each one of them.

I couldn't help myself but smile brightly when she whispered my name into her pillow once more. Carefully to not wake her I moved closer my fingers brushing over her lips ever so gently. "I love you too Bella. Forever." I held back for a moment before I managed to put my doubt aside. Tender like the wings of a butterfly I let my lips graze over hers. The smile spread all over her features. She pulled in the pillow for a hug and snuggled close to it. I moved back watching her once again only my hand resting in her hair brushing through her locks carefully.

Just at the break of dawn I managed to pull away from her completely. I left another sweet kiss on her lips and one on her hair before I stood up and moved toward the window. I wouldn't be gone for long. I just needed to get home and change my clothes. The thought of leaving her was causing my stomach to twist painfully but my family was waiting probably worrying how the date turned out. After one last glance over my shoulder that showed me nothing different but a peacefully sleeping Bella I jumped out of the window. I couldn't wait to come back. She loved me. The smile wouldn't waver on my lips for even a second. It was so ridiculous but I couldn't waste a thought on that. Bella loved me – against all reason. And I loved her.


End file.
